I’ve had years to study the effects of grief and just about everything written about it. And one of the things that surprised me when I first became a widow was how much fear was a part of grief. After Rick died, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t have the strength to go on with my own life without him by my side. And that I wouldn’t be able to face the emotional pain that devastated my every waking moment.
But here I am, eight years later – a survivor! Lying in bed in the morning is peaceful. Solitary. I made it through. But I have to say, the fear in those early stages of grief was warranted. It takes emotional resilience to get through missing someone that much, losing someone that you had such a bond with. Facing life without the person you loved being with more than anyone is an experience that takes a lot of courage.
When you love someone like that, the highs are even higher when the two of you share them. And the lows are soothed a bit when he puts his arms around you. And even after all these years, there are many times when I miss those big strong arms. But more often, I miss hearing his voice, his laugh, his silly jokes.
Grief is like a knife that cuts 1000 times. You may still be alive, but you have a lot of scars. I heard a quote that really resonated on a TV show the other night:
“Time doesn’t heal all wounds. It just changes you enough so you can live with them” – Matlock (Kathy Bates)