Now that I’m retired, I love taking writing courses. They challenge me and make me dive deeper into my feelings – and they also encourage me to make more time to write. In my current course, called “Writing to Heal,” this was one of today’s prompts.
What was a time you felt some connection to wholeness? (For example, if you’re grieving the death of a loved one, you might want to write about when you felt whole with your partner, but it might also be helpful to write about your wholeness in a time of life without your partner, too…)
Well, wasn’t that question tailored directly to me??! I’ve never thought about this idea of when I felt whole with Rick and if/how I feel whole in my life after losing him. It’s an interesting question.
I definitely felt whole when Rick was here… he was the yin to my yang (or vice versa). He was my partner in all things: conversation, sleeping, eating, sex, traveling, reading, watching movies, writing, designing websites, attending events, socializing, swimming, family time, hugging and cuddling. Every part of my life was shared with him, every portion of my being. I felt whole, loved, cherished, and part of an inseparable duo. I felt complete in all ways.
When he died, I was shattered, and not just emotionally. My life was incomplete without my other half. My heart was broken, and so was my spirit. My hopes and dreams for our future were shattered. My day-to-day routine was completely destroyed. I couldn’t imagine life without him and doing any of the things we shared on my own. The loneliness and sadness were incapacitating.
And slowly, slowly, slowly, over the years since he’s been gone, I began to create a new life without him. My heart mended (mostly), but I was still forced to ponder life without his input, make my own decisions, make my own happiness. I was eventually able to socialize, attend events, family functions, travel, etc. on my own without constantly feeling that something’s missing. I have finally filled in the hole he left in my being.
I am whole once again.