Five years ago today, I held Rick’s hand in a death grip. A literal death grip, for hour upon hour. By noon of that day, I realized he was going to die, and he did, at 8pm that night.
The night before, alone in my bed, I had an odd feeling. A scary feeling. A feeling like my life was … Read the blog
My friend Jo sent me a Facebook memory. Three years ago today, I was with Rick on the Florida gulf. We were sitting with Jo watching a gorgeous sunset in Rick’s favorite spot on Madeira Beach. I sat staring at the photo, unable to remember exactly how I felt that evening. Despite the beauty of the sunset, I know I … Read the blog
The overhead lights in the hallway started flickering again a couple of weeks ago. This hasn’t happened in a while, not a long while. When Rick first died, the ceiling lights in the kitchen started to flicker one night. I was washing dishes and could see them flickering out of the corner of my eye, but, oddly, when I looked … Read the blog
So often now, in the midst of happiness, I’ll feel this gloom settle over me. I know right away that it’s not a “random” sadness; it’s definitely Rick-related. I feel those tears just below the surface, a very mild form of the horrible grief I had shortly after losing him, but it builds every day and it starts to intrude … Read the blog
The second anniversary of Rick’s death is Tuesday. In some ways, I can’t believe it’s been two years. In others, it feels like he’s been gone for ages. My life has changed so much since he was here, including finally acknowledging that I’m single again. Dating other men is surreal. How can this be? I was supposed to be with … Read the blog
Sitting poolside
On this hot July day
Basking in the sun,
Eyes closed against the strong rays
Two years here alone
Two summers without you
A lifetime between then and now
But I find I’m…
Still waiting
Still waiting to hear the back door slam
You, back from your bicycle ride
Still waiting to feel your shadow cross my face… Read the blog
Rick and I were married on July 12, 1997. He died one month after our twentieth anniversary. This Friday will mark the second time I’ve spent our anniversary alone. In a way, it’s almost the third time, because on our last anniversary together in 2017, he was pretty sick and often mentally confused, so our special day wasn’t so special. … Read the blog
I had a quiet four and a half hour driving trip back from the family cottage yesterday. Four and a half long hours to think about where my life is and where it’s going. As someone who’s been known to overthink things, that’s way too much time on my hands. But it was a lovely trip and it turns out … Read the blog
It’s a beautiful day in northern Michigan, the beginning of the week-long vacation my family and I enjoy every July at our cottage. My grandpa built his retirement home on Lake Huron nearly sixty years ago and it’s been passed down through generations to those of us who enjoy it today. We call it Paradise.
For me, coming here as … Read the blog