The second anniversary of Rick’s death is Tuesday. In some ways, I can’t believe it’s been two years. In others, it feels like he’s been gone for ages. My life has changed so much since he was here, including finally acknowledging that I’m single again. Dating other men is surreal. How can this be? I was supposed to be with Rick forever. But it’s really not “other” men, is it? Because I’m no longer married.
Reading these words from Toni Morrison took me back to the first few months after his death. I know I’ve come a long way since then, but every now and then, especially on those special days – our July wedding anniversary, the day of his death, his birthday, holidays without him, or just any other strong memory that triggers the tears again – I once again become immersed in those circles and circles of sorrow.
It was a fine cry – loud and long –
but it had no bottom and it had no top,
just circles and circles of sorrow. – Toni Morrison
A Fine Cry
Thank you Toni Morrison
You know just how I feel
The awful grief since he’s been gone
The sadness that won’t heal
That fine cry that was bottomless
Once plagued me every day
But with each year that passes by
The grief has seeped away
Yet every anniversary
It rears its ugly head
A woman who is functioning
Is drawn back to her bed
Two years of grief seem long enough
But then a memory hits
The dormant feelings rise again
My heart is torn to bits
Yes, grief is also bottomless
The circles spin and spin
One day I’m filled with sadness
The next, I’m fine again
I’m trapped inside a circle
Immersed within the sorrow
And hoping once again I’ll find
That sense of peace tomorrow
