I Sit Here on a Cold Dark Evening Wondering How I Got Here

I sit here on a cold dark evening wondering how I got here.

How did I come to be a widow, sitting here alone in my quiet living room?

Where is my husband?
How did he disappear from my life so suddenly?

How can I so suddenly be alone with
no hopes
no dreams
no purpose

with my heart torn in two?

I know I can and should go on,
but I don’t have any interest in the future.

I go to work
socialize
force myself to leave my bed every morning
shower
dress
leave my house

I eat my three square meals and feed my cat

But I’d rather not.

I’d rather stay in bed and hope I’ll dream of him

curled up in his favorite blanket
crushing his pillow to my chest

I’d rather surround myself with pictures of
my love
my life
my past

I’d rather grab at any chance to relive our life together in my mind

I talk to him
cry to him
and long for what will never be again

I accept that he’s gone,
but no matter how much I attempt to amuse myself,
no matter how I try,
I’d rather be with him than left on this journey alone.

Half of me is gone

and the part that’s left is empty

About the author

Katherine Billings Palmer is a technical writer, poet, and essayist from Garden City, Michigan. She’s won several academic writing awards, including first place in the University of Michigan Dearborn Critical Essay Contest for her work about poet John Donne: “‘The Sun Rising’: A Lover’s Boast.”

In 2017, Katherine’s husband, Rick, died of complications from small cell lung cancer. She wrote a series of poems and essays about her struggles to cope with her grief. I Wanted to Grow Old With You is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle editions.

Her latest book, A Widow’s Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry – The First Year was published in January 2019 and is also available on Amazon.com.

Katherine is a guest blogger for the Hope for Widows Foundation and writes about her grief journey at www.TheWritingWidow.com.

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