I want to be alive again

And I don’t want a never ending life
I just want to be alive while I’m here
And I don’t want a never ending life
I just want to be alive while I’m here
And I don’t want to see another night
Lost inside a lonely life while I’m here

The Strumbellas – Spirits

I’m still me.

I was a whole person before I met you and a whole person while we were together. I’m still that person.

I feel fortunate that I don’t have the issues so many other widows have. I had a place of my own, a job of my own, independence, a full identity before we met. Now, I have all those things, and a better life from all that we built together, and all that you planned and left for me.


I miss you. I know I have a life. I know I have a future. I know have people who love me. I have supportive friends and family.


I don’t have you.

I’m missing my greatest fan. My partner. My lover. My soulmate.

I don’t want a never ending life. But without you, I don’t feel alive while I’m here.

About the author

Katherine Billings Palmer is a technical writer, poet, and essayist from Garden City, Michigan. She’s won several academic writing awards, including first place in the University of Michigan Dearborn Critical Essay Contest for her work about poet John Donne: “‘The Sun Rising’: A Lover’s Boast.”

In 2017, Katherine’s husband, Rick, died of complications from small cell lung cancer. She wrote a series of poems and essays about her struggles to cope with her grief. I Wanted to Grow Old With You is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle editions.

Her latest book, A Widow’s Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry – The First Year was published in January 2019 and is also available on Amazon.com.

Katherine is a guest blogger for the Hope for Widows Foundation and writes about her grief journey at www.TheWritingWidow.com.

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