… So here I am, with all the usual stress inducers (and more) and no Rick to balance it all out for me. No backrubs. No one to say, “Don’t worry, honey, none of that matters. Let’s take a drive through the park.” I am graced with the support of wonderful friends and family, so I’m not alone. But the most supportive partner in the world is gone, my world has shattered, and I’m still here picking up the pieces without him.
So the weird thing, the thing that just occurred to me the other day, is that I’m not stressed out by all this. I rarely wake up with that cloud of worry that’s been following me around my whole life. When stressful things come along, I just handle them, or shrug it off, figuring, meh, it’ll work out somehow. What’s the worst that could happen?
It wasn’t like this at first. In the first few months after Rick’s death, I definitely was a bundle of nerves, always at a high level of anxiety. My whole life was off balance. My equilibrium was shot. But, as time has gone on, I have become more serene about life than I have ever been in my entire existence. Things just don’t bother me like they used to.
And I honestly think it’s because I know that nothing is as bad as losing Rick. Nothing is worse than losing the man I loved and the entire future we had planned together. As we tried to live life to the fullest in his last months on earth, I was slapped in the head by what really matters in life, and it’s not any of these paltry day-to-day issues that used to matter so much.
I just don’t care anymore.
