Thoughts this morning

Dear Rick,

I watched Danielle this morning – your job. I got up at 6:30am and, while she watched TV, I went into your office and uploaded MFTH blog pictures – your job.

I drove Danielle to school – your job.

As I was driving down Harrison, I thought how odd it was, this strange loop of life. I used to work at Douglas. I was a single mother, dreaming and longing for that perfect man to come along, so I could have someone who loved me, who I loved in return.

And now, that love has come and gone, and I was driving his granddaughter – our granddaughter – the child of his son, to that same school.

I had that dream so long ago, while working at that very school, and now your gone. But I had it. I had those 21 years.

It’s just so odd, to be driving your child’s child to that very school. To now have your family as mine, so many years later. And to have you no longer be with me to share my life.

I can’t even really explain the meta thoughts.

Then I drove back to our home, without you in it, and made my breakfast – your job.

Before work, I posted a blog about the GCBA Trunk or Treat – I copied the blog you wrote in 2015 and changed it a bit. But they were your words, and I loved them. And one again, I was doing your job.

And now I sit here alone, without you across the hall.

There’s a GCBA meeting today. You aren’t here to go to it and come back to tell me all that’s going on. The last one you attended, you came back and said Elaine had offered to drive you, because you looked so bad.

The printer just did that warm up thing that I feel is a sign from you. Are you here? Or am I just a nut widow?

About the author

Katherine Billings Palmer is a technical writer, poet, and essayist from Garden City, Michigan. She’s won several academic writing awards, including first place in the University of Michigan Dearborn Critical Essay Contest for her work about poet John Donne: “‘The Sun Rising’: A Lover’s Boast.”

In 2017, Katherine’s husband, Rick, died of complications from small cell lung cancer. She wrote a series of poems and essays about her struggles to cope with her grief. I Wanted to Grow Old With You is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle editions.

Her latest book, A Widow’s Words: Grief, Reflection, Prose, and Poetry – The First Year was published in January 2019 and is also available on

Katherine is a guest blogger for the Hope for Widows Foundation and writes about her grief journey at

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