AKA "The Writing Woman"
Life is easier now. Since the cancer diagnosis last fall, it’s been continuous stress: monitoring, doctor visits, pills, x-rays, tests, scans, chemo, radiation, shots, canes, then walkers. Reading about cancer, and pneumonitis, and blood cells, and medical studies, and alternative treatments. Trying to get you to eat, trying to help you dress and shower, trying to inspire you to get … Read the blog
I hear a lawn mower running outside. It’s a beautiful (too early) fall day. You would love this. You would love the smell of autumn, and the sounds of the mower outside the window. You would want to take a nap with the window open, curled like a burrito in your old stinky blanket. You would tell me that since … Read the blog
You did everything you were supposed to do.
I asked if you were angry. You said, what can I do? All I can do is what they tell me now.
And you did.
Four rounds of chemo
Pills for nausea
30+ lung radiation treatments
10 brain radiation treatments
Numerous numerous numerous blood tests
3 blood transfusions
Shots for the low … Read the blog
Officially dead.
One by one, form by form, I remove your name from our accounts and you begin to disappear from this world.
No longer joint owner on our bank accounts, credit cards, mortgage, pension.
No longer listed as beneficiary on anything of mine.
Removing your name from each feels like a dagger through my heart.
… Read the blog
I was driving home in a thunderstorm and this song came on the radio. This is why I can’t listen to music for awhile.
“This Is What It Feels Like”
(Armin van Buuren feat. Trevor Guthrie)
Nobody here knocking at my door
The sound of silence I can’t take anymore
Nobody ringing my telephone now
Oh how I miss such … Read the blog
You’re supposed to hold me when I’m grieving.
For more than twenty years, your huge warm comforting embrace has been my strength through sadness and despair.
How can I live through losing you?
You were my bulwark.
Your giant strong hands held mine through every loss I suffered, every sadness, every disappointment.
Whose hands will hold mine now?
Your words … Read the blog
I knew I loved you, but I didn’t know how much. I knew it would hurt when you were gone, but I couldn’t imagine this pain. I knew the house would feel empty, but never thought it would be this quiet. I knew you were special to me and I was right.
I knew our time was limited, but I … Read the blog
Tell me again why I should get up today. To feel more pain? To feel so lonely it hurts? To remember again that the person I want to be with more than anyone is gone?
Tell me again that my life should go on. Tell me he would’ve wanted it that way. Tell me again that he’s better off, that … Read the blog
Relegated to photos and memories
You, who were here only weeks ago
No longer tangible, touchable, real
Relegated to pictures and memories
You, who I loved with all my being
No longer here in my bed
Relegated to pictures and memories
Captured digitally and on 4×6 prints
Part of my elusive dreams
Pain menu
Which memory shall I select? What will bring on the tears?
You at the end? Hooked to monitors, breathing by machine?
You at the beginning? Our first date? Our first kiss?
Or the many options from the 21 years in between?
The memory selection is endless. The choices are triggered with little to no effort.
Choose one, name … Read the blog