AKA "The Writing Woman"
When we were dating, Rick and I went through our “poetry phase.”
I was a recent UofM grad – and English major who surrounded myself with books of poetry throughout the house. Rick enjoyed most of the poems I recited to him – at least I thought he did.
Rick lived in Minnesota and I in Michigan and he flew
At my grief counseling appointment last week, I expressed to my therapist, Vaiva, that — as I start to feel more “myself,” stop thinking about Rick continuously as I had for the first few months — I’m more afraid of the pain that I know will come when I do think of him again. She said, it’s analogous to picking … Read the blog
It’s going on five months now
I thought the “what if‘s” were over
I thought I had locked them away in a box after examining every single one
carefully
minutely
looking them over and over
and castigating myself for what I could have done.
But apparently it’s not over
Apparently someone unlocked the box
Perhaps I should’ve hidden the key.… Read the blog
I wake up every morning with some depressing thought.
Sometimes it’s picturing you the day you died. Sometimes it’s remembering how your mind was starting to go in those last months.
Of course, I never know what it will be. I only know it will cause pain, and then I’ll put it away and go on with my day. Some … Read the blog
In 2012, after my father died, I submitted his story to the NYT’s The Lives They Loved section. For some reason, it made me feel better – my father was a simple man, no movie star or world leader, yet he was bigger than life in my world. Publishing his story in the Times seemed right. It proved he was … Read the blog
They talk of Christmas, but to me it’s just another day without you.
It’s just another day that you’re gone.
… Read the blog
This morning I woke up, and foolishly went to the widows’ support group on FB. A woman mentioned the theory that our loved ones wait until we leave to die. They hold on until that time, then you may go to get a drink of water, take a bathroom break, and that’s the time that they die.
I immediately thought … Read the blog
December 20, 2017
18 weeks
Dear Rick,
I went to Costco today.
I doubt I’ve ever gone without you. Maybe once, but maybe not. Costco was us, just as Home Depot, Lowe’s, Ikea, and all those other stores were places we went together.
Roaming the aisles of Costco with you was one of life’s simple pleasures, one of our “our … Read the blog
December 11, 2017
The printer just made the cycling noise that lets me know you are here.
So I started blabbing to you. I think you may be around at other times, but when I hear this, I jump at the chance that you’re trying to tell me you’re here.
I love you. You know that.
I wonder what you … Read the blog
Sometimes I wail.
I don’t just weep, or cry, or even sob.
I wail.
It’s been a little more than four months since I became a widow. This is new territory for me. I met Rick when I was nearly 40, a never-married mother of one son. Marriage had eluded me. I’d obviously met men, since I was a mother, … Read the blog